I am the one who is running out of time. I am the one who knows that I don’t have all the time in the world.  I am the one who is afraid that I can’t get everything done in time.

I am the one who has so much to do and to share with the world and not enough time to do it. I am the one who tries to capture time and save it, hoard it, hang on to it because I think I can control it better this way.

My message for you today is this: Pay attention to your relationship with time. You are hurting yourself with your attitude towards time. Time keeps ticking on, even if you hoard all of the clocks in the world into locked jars and cabinets.

This card is one that I made several years ago and it accurately reflects exactly how I feel about the passing of time.  Sometimes I look at it and think that the large image of the woman in the top right corner might be the Keeper of Time, but whenever I read from it, I tap into the energy of the sadness of time passing. So here it came to me again, last week, in one of my daily readings, and after I had just gone on at length in my journal about how there is so much to get done, and how am I going to get it all done..etc. You know the drill!

I find great comfort in this card, even though it seems to remind me of my powerlessness in the face of Time.  It helps me to remember that time is just a mental construct, and that as long as I keep myself in THIS moment, right now, that is all that matters.

And when I CAN do this… stay in the present moment…. then I find deep peace, and my worries and fears about getting everything done (or not done!) simply fade away.

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When I first made this card, I thought I knew what it was about. A friend had seen the background image of the heavens (on the right) and remarked that the long mark looked like a wound. I couldn’t stop thinking about that!

So when I made this card, I thought it was to honor the part of me who wants to put a halt to any more wounding.

I thought that was odd, because I’ve done SO much work on past emotional wounds and scarring.  So I was only a little surprised to discover what this image was REALLY saying to me!

Here is my journaling so far with this amazing card. I have the feeling she still has LOTS to say to me and I will be listening!

Who are you?
I am the one who is saying don’t come near to my scars. Don’t come near to my brilliance either. I am the one who is larger than the scar.  I am the one who doesn’t want people to see my wounds. I am the one who also doesn’t want people to see my bright and shining self.  I am the one who MEANS IT!!!

What do you have to give me?
I give you protection.  I keep people away from the real, true, inner you.  I keep you safe from those who would make your wounds deeper. I also keep you away from people who would be hurt by your brilliance.

What do you need from me?
I need you to be careful who and what you are allowing into our life.  I need you to be watchful of your physical and emotional energy field.

Is there anything else you have to say to me?
Yes!  My original intention was only to keep away anyone and anything that might open up old wounds and undo the emotional healing you have worked so hard at. But in doing that, sometimes I don’t discriminate. Sometimes I just keep everyone away. It’s hard work, letting people see only the bright side of you and not the woundedness, so sometimes I get mixed up and don’t let them in at all.

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Inner Fears

FEAR

I’ve been doing a lot of deep soul work for a while now, and one thing that has come to my attention is the fact that I have been allowing Fear to run my life for a long time now.  At a workshop last fall I made this card (to the left) intentionally to honor the place that Fear has taken in my life.

Who are you?
We are the ones who are hiding out behind the windows and doors of your psyche. We are the ones (and there are many of us) who are afraid, who huddle together in your mind and whisper fears to you as you sleep and while you are awake.

We speak to you of powerlessness and joylessness. We paralyze you with our scary stories that are mostly false.

What Do You Have To Give Me?
We give you a sense of ancestral lineage… we give you a closeness to your mother that you never felt while she was alive.  We give you something to think about and focus on besides joy. We give you huge distraction from the present moment.  Sometimes, when the fear is valid, we give you time and a way to prepare, a way to meet the fearful thing or person.

What Do You Want From Me?
We want you to buy into our stories. We want you to believe that you are powerless to change what makes you afraid. We want you to always be afraid, because this way everything will stay the same. We don’t want things to change. We want you to continue to hold yourself tight in your fears and try to keep yourself safe that way.

Is There Anything Else You Want to Tell Me Today?
We are telling you that we have much power in your life and we are afraid that being aware of us will make you send us away. We are just now peeking out of our well-walled fortress and smelling the fresh air. Others have actually made their way down to the street and are on their way to freedom.  We have been with you so long, we are not sure what to do if you set us free.

FEARLESS

Fearless

At the same workshop, I made this card intuitively, not thinking about what it was all about. I was drawn to these images, and they seemed to fit together perfectly. When I worked with this card later, I realized that it was my Fearless card!

Who Are You?
I am the one who breathes fire, who plunges forward without looking. I am the one who bravely flies through the air, knowing and trusting that I will be caught.  I am the one whose body is strong and tall and who stands and moves proudly through life.

What Do You Have To GIve Me?
I give you strength and I give you courage. I give you fearless energy to move through your life. I give you joy in the moving forward.

What Do You Want From Me?
I want you to not hold back. I want you to JUST DO IT!  I want you to move forward with trust and strength. I want you to leave your fears behind. I want you to know that you can do whatever you set your mind and body to.

This whole adventure with these two cards was really eye opening for me!  It was a powerful example of how things are “at work” inside of us during this process even though we’re not aware of it!

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I made this card in 2005, to help myself with the huge sadness I feel from time to time over not having my own children. I do have three stepchildren and was very active in their upbringing and their lives from the time they were in elementary school, BUT… it is not the same thing!

Who are you?
I am the one who doesn’t have my own children. I am the one who sees this as a choice, and also a loss.  I am the one with so much love to give and who gave all my love to my husband’s kids and now it feels like those bowls of given love are empty.  So much given, and nothing received. Where was the flow?

I am the one who bows under the weight of all this sadness, loss and pain.  I am the one who envies women with children.  I am the one who feels an empty place inside where my own daughter would have dwelled.

I am the one who bows heavily to the choices that I made, who understands those choices were not made alone, or quickly, who knows that this choice to remain childless was mainly made out of love for my husband, who already had three when I met him.

I am the one who knows that this decision is also blessed with light, but mostly I am the one who is weighted down with the burden of grief and loss.

What do you have to give me?
I give you a life that is free to be led in solitude, a life that is filled with all the things and people you love, a life of freedom from the responsibility that comes with having your own children.

What do you want from me?
I want you to acknowledge that there is blessing and light and joy in spite of the grief.  I want you to feel your grief, not deny it.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  I want you to know that you made the right choice.  I want you to remember that there is more to mothering than giving physical birth.  I want you to honor your choice to remain childless.

NOTE FROM A READING IN APRIL, 2007 (2 years later):

I am the one who sees the empty bowls as things of lightness and grace.  I am the one who is filling the bowls with good things, joy and memories laced with blessing, and with love.

I am the one who embraces the emptiness that these bowls offer.

My message to you today is this: the empty bowls have gifts to offer… embrace these gifts as you live into the Divine Mystery of birth in other areas of your sweet, precious life.

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Who Are You?
I am the one who is walking away. I am the one who has climbed the colorful blocks and is moving out the door to a new way of being.  I am the one who has put on my hat and is leaving this place for another, brighter place. I am the one who is trusting completely that I am moving to the next right place for me.

What Do You Have To Give Me?
I give you the knowing that it’s time to leave old parts of you behind. I give you bright red doors to walk through. I give you a new place to go to. I give you faith and joy and the excitement of the future.

What Do You Want From Me?
I want you to move on out those open doors. I want you to SEE those open doors, so you can easily walk through them. I want you to put on your hat and come with me. We don’t need the past anymore!  It’s time to freefall into the next phase of our life!

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